I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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