If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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