Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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