Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
