I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
