Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
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Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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