Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
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At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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