i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
