I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
