Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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