i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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