you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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