allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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