I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
