At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.