It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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