Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
