Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
