I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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