my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
