I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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