My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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