Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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