so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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