I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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