I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
