i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
