I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
