what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
