I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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