today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
