Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
