it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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