Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
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he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How does one acquire holy water?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.