I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
