I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
PANTIES FOUND
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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