First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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