sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
