my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
