I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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