'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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