I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
