I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
