Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need moral support for this bender
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
