ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
