OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
