hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
