The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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