My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
