sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
