D3 body, D1 cock
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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