I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
