I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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