I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
