I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
