she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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