If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
