The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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