I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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