Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
