i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
